Ok...so, some changes happened.
First, I decided to change the name of this weekly weird article posting to The Weekly Weird and to kick off the new and improved, I'm going to do nothing but weird shit from the state I call home. Weird as F*ck Florida with it's methed-up, coked-up, and cracked-up Florida Peeps. Okay, mostly our beloved Florida Man. We also have other crazy things here...like weird cryptids, other than Skunk Ape, but we do got a lot of Skunk Apes (and some of them may have formed a religious order). Seriously, my new writing project has me looking at all kinds of stuff like that. But we do have some seriously weird other cryptids, like supposedly for real living water dino in the St. John's River and gargoyles (or could it be a Mothman—oh please be a Mothman, please be a Mothman!) in Zephyrhills. We've heard there have been gnome sightings in Lake Wales at Bok Tower, so we are going to take a trip there next month to check it out, and on the way there, we will also check out this road where a Sasquatch was sighted in 2018. If we have time. If not, we may check it out during the trip or on the way home. But enough of that. Florida is definitely one Weirdshitsville state and even though I have only seen one UFO here (maybe a couple others I can't be sure of) and have never seen cryptids here or anywhere else (something large and scary did chase me and my cousins down by the creek where I lived, maybe that was a large hog that got loose from the neighbors farm, and Ohio is another Weirdshitsville state, fer shur) I have had experiences with paranormal weird shit here. So, forgive me if the idea of aliens and cryptids don't freak me out like they used to. Florida people being weird? Well...that freaks me out a little bit. Just a little... But not as much as some of their claims do. See the following... Florida woman still thinks she saw dinosaur in backyard video (Ok, watch the video. WATCH IT AGAIN. SEE THAT SHIT? Ok, who let that bastard John Hammond play with the chemistry set again? Wherever Palm Coast is...I ain't goin'!) Florida man worried about vampires burns down his house, police say (I get that a lot of Florida People stuff is mental illness, and that's sad. It's also true that every state in the union has their Florida People, except Florida has a pretty open policy about reporting the public in journalism, more so than other states, so you hear about our people more than you do people from other states. If you just read the headline, it's pretty funny... but the article. Man, that poor guy needs some help. Don't read the article. It's just too fucking sad. Mr. Weaver is one of the reasons why I won't stop fighting hard for socialized medical care in this country.) Florida man twerks for officers during traffic stop, gets tased, report says (Well...now...this one is sorta funny.) “I Lost My Marbles” Florida Woman Tries To Steal Fire Engine After Consuming Magic Potion (She said she had taken the "Elixir of Life." Someone needs to alert Nicholas Flamel that once again someone is trying to steal his shit. Joking aside, drug use is also a serious problem here, and this seems to be the case. WWaSD? (What Would a Socialist Do?) Make drugs legal and therapy for quitting them free and easily accessible. Make the stigma for using them and the stigma for mental illness itself go bye-bye. (HINT: It's probably what that dude Jesus would do too.) Sheriff: Florida mother shot burglar who entered home because 'dinosaurs were chasing him' (Yes, Virginia, and Ohio, and Illinois...there are Dinosaurs in Florida! So...Stop moving here! Create jobs in your states, please! I'm just kidding. C'mon down, the water's fine... Ask this guy...)
Okay...these next three are the best!
Florida man arrested for DUI after mistaking bank drive-thru for Taco Bell ("Upon waking up, the driver asked the bank manager for a burrito before driving away after being informed he was not at Taco Bell." This guy! LMAO! He was probably stoned too.) Florida man breaks into neighbor's home to pet their cat (Ok...ya gotta admit this was also kinda cute. Creepy as hell, yes. But the dude likes cats. Still...He probably wasn't there just for pet therapy.) Florida Man Attacks Mom's Boyfriend with Samurai Sword over Can of Missing Shrimp (Do. Not. Fuck. With. A. Samurai. Over anything. They'll go Roronoa Zoro on your ass.)
That's all for this week, weirdos.
Until next time... You know the drill! STAY WEIRD!
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